For the past few weeks, Miklos has been sleeping even more and complaining of just not feeling very good. There is nothing particular that he can point to, like a sore throat or fever, just that he is not feeling good. He was already sleeping a lot. Now he is sleeping even more. He has been going to bed between 10 and 11 PM, and sometimes getting up as late as 4 PM, and very rarely before noon. I understand that there is not a lot that he is motivated to do. Still, I am concerned, especially because he has also reduced his exercise. His appetite has also been very slight. There are so many signs to be concerned about..

Often when I have a meeting or engagement, I leave while he is still in bed. When he is still in bed when I return, I immediately go upstairs to check for signs of life. I fear that he will die when I am gone. Sometimes, I can see a movement under the covers. But sometimes, I have to put my face very close to his to be able to detect his breathing. It is a relief to find the smallest sign of life.

When he is finally up and dressed, he seems healthy and alert. It’s a rollercoaster of emotion. Am I ready to be a widow very soon? Am I ready to be a wife and caretaker for years to come? It is very hard to know what to feel or what to hope for.