That is a good title, but I can’t write the content. I have absolutely no idea how to balance preparing for the future with living in the moment. I would love to have someone give me the formula. The immediate crisis of his post-surgery recovery has past, and he is mostly back to his pre-surgery normal. That is, he now only sleeps 12-15 hours a day rather than 15-20. He eats a third of his dinner rather than skipping it entirely or eating three bites. He is significantly under 150 pounds, and all of that weight loss has been muscle.

I know that the Miklos will not get better, mentally. I am not even sure that he will get much better physically, even though our physician has ordered some home health physical therapy to help him improve strength and balance. He may have days when he is more energetic and days when he is weaker. But essentially, he will continue to decline for the rest of his life. There were days in the month after his surgery when I imagined that he was already shutting down completely — days when he didn’t want to get out of bed at all.

Even as the immediate after-effects of surgery fade, those days are increasing in frequency. Often he seems so weak that I keep looking for signs of life while he is sleeping — a breath, a tap of the finger. He is also very pale.

I know that many others caretakers deal with much worse situations than mine. They care for angry and violent loved-ones, often to the point that all love is gone. The person that they once loved has disappeared to be replaced by this demanding stranger. I am grateful that Miklos is still loving, more loving than ever. He is also more dependent, not only physically, but emotionally.

That emotional dependence is one of the hardest things for me to deal with me. Sometimes I feel a little stifled. Sometimes I feel completely smothered. At those times, it is hard not to think of the past when I frequently felt ignored because I was always second to his work. Or to think about the freedom I will have in the future when he will no longer be here to need me at all.

If any of you have the guidance to give me in finding the balance between preparing emotionally for the inevitable and living fully every moment of my current life, I am ready to hear from you.