Our daughters have both expressed the hope that their dad not live to the end point of this disease. It really hurts them to see him losing ground, becoming more confused and less of the father they have known. I may share their sentiments, but I am not at all sanguine that it will be the case.

Earlier, when Miklos was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, I also felt sure that, given his advanced age, he would die from some other factor before he completely lost his cognitive functions. I am no longer so confident of that.

In the past few months, he has had a cardiac screening. His heart is incredibly strong. He has had a complete pulmonary work up. His lungs are strong and healthy. His asthma is very well controlled and the sleep apnea that was diagnosed twenty years ago is completely absent. In almost every measure, his body is in great shape for a man of his age.

His mind is a different thing. I don’t mean just the cognitive function, but also the will to live. He continues to say that he might as well be dead, or that he would be better off dead, or that I would be better off with him dead. And despite the absence of any diagnosable physical symptoms, he frequently complains of a general malaise and lack of energy.

In the end, what our daughters may hope for really has little impact. All we can do is wait and see. In the meantime, I am giving The Thirty-Six Hour Day a new read, and not ignoring the final chapters as I did before.